Dear ScaryLeadersama,
by Fiane
Summary: Tobi writes a very nice application letter to the Akatsuki... ONESHOT CRACKFIC


**Dear Scary-Leader-sama,**

The Leader of the Akatsuki was sitting at his desk sorting through the large pile of application letters that came in daily.

He sighed.

Everyday he would have another pile of letters from every Akatsuki wannabe from all across the ninja world. Not that he ever read any of them; most of them went to Konan for her jutsus.

Well, what do you expect? Paper is expensive and no matter how powerful the Akatsuki was, they still had a budget to follow (as Kakuzu often liked to point out).  
In fact, he was just about call Konan to pick up today's paper, when one of the envelopes caught his eye.

He pulled it out of the pile to look at it…

He blinked…

He blinked again…

And again…

The envelope was fluro orange and covered in pictures of flowers and love hearts.

Slowly he opened the back and began to read…

* * *

_  
Dear Scary-Leader-sama,  
_

_How are you? Are you well? Tobi is good, Tobi saw a very pretty flower when Tobi woke up today, it was pink with blue tips, it smelt very good too, like strawberries. Do you like strawberries? Tobi loves strawberries! Tobi had them for breakfast this morning, Tobi wonders if the flower ate them too._

_Tobi is a good boy. Tobi doesn't draw on the walls and he always brushes his teeth before he goes to bed._

_Tobi is very scary. Tobi knows this because a little girl said "Hey mister, you're really scary!" when Tobi was buying candy. Do you like candy Scary-Leader-sama? Tobi loves candy! Tobi eats it every day! But Tobi always brushes his teeth afterwards so they don't get rotten.  
__Tobi was going to the store to get more candy when Tobi saw your ad! It was huge with WANTED: AKATSUKI MEMBER TO FILL RECENTLY VACATED POSITION written on it._

_It was really ugly, so Tobi drew some pictures on it, it looks much better now!_

_If Tobi joins the Akatsuki, Tobi will be happy to draw on all your signs. Tobi loves drawing! Tobi likes drawing horses and puppies and ponies and bunnies and kittens and birds and flowers and love hearts and Tobi likes to draw them in lots and lots of pretty colours.  
__Tobi's favourite colour is orange but Tobi likes pink too.  
Yesterday Tobi had a bi-i-i-g cake with pink icing and orange candles. Tobi bets you can't guess why!_

_Tobi had a birthday!_

_Do you have a birthday Scary-Leader-sama?_

_Tobi does!_

_Tobi's birthday is his most favourite day of the whole year. Tobi gets lots and lots of presents and all Tobi's friends come to wish him a Happy Birthday!  
__Tobi's favourite game is pass-the-parcel and pin the tail on the donkey. Tobi is very good at party games and Tobi always wins, but mummy told Tobi that if Tobi lets someone else win one of the games she will let Tobi stay up late. So Tobi let Keiko win this time, she was very happy. But Tobi was happier._

_Tobi stayed up all night eating ice-cream. Tobi ate one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of strawberry ice-cream covered with rainbow sprinkles.  
__But mummy got crabby and scolded Tobi for being noisy and interrupting her beauty sleep. Let Tobi to tell Scary-Leader-sama a secret, mummy really needs her beauty sleep. Her face was all green and slimy, like a mask!_

Here is a picture of Tobi staying up all night eating ice-cream and mummy being a crab with a green face.

_Tobi heard all bad-guys wear masks. Tobi loves masks, so Tobi made one, all by himself. It is a swirly shape and Tobi painted it with bright orange paint. Tobi thinks it is very spooky and mummy says it is very pretty and matches Tobi's hair and eye perfectly. So Tobi wore it when Tobi went Trick-or-Treating this year, and everyone loved it so much they gave Tobi all their candy and ran home, some even gave Tobi their money too. It was almost like Christmas!_

_Tobi loves Christmas! Tobi writes to Santa in the North Pole every year to tell him that Tobi is a good boy and Tobi would like a puppy for Christmas this year. But Santa never answers, that makes Tobi sad._

_  
Here is a picture of Tobi when he is sad.  
_

_One day Tobi is going to find out where Santa lives and go visit him! Then both Santa and Tobi will be happy!_

_  
This is a picture of Santa and Tobi being happy.  
_

_Tobi must say goodbye now, but Tobi would love to be in the Akatsuki, and Tobi promises to work very hard!_

_  
Bye Bye!_

_Love_

_Tobi_ (this was closely followed by a series of hearts and flowers)

_P.S. Tobi drew one last drawing for you. It is of Scary-Leader-sama and Tobi being happy and eating strawberries in a field of pretty pink and orange flowers surrounded by bunnies!  
_

_P.P.S. Tobi doesn't know what you look like so Tobi drew mum instead._

One week later, Pein was released from hospital. He had been sharing a room with an old man who lived on the North Pole.  
Co-incidentally, when the doctor came to check their files, he found that they were both admitted under very similar circumstances. They were both found crouched under their desks, muttering insanely to themselves after reading their mail.  
Even more strange was that the old man was admitted on a yearly basis, and always around Christmas.

As such the event was a rather sore spot for Scary-Leader-sama and soon came to be known as "The Letter Incident". Any mention of the event was strict taboo in the Akatsuki household. The punishment for breaking this taboo was the privilege of getting to spend a great amount of _get to know you time_ with the hyper-orange-and-pink-loving man himself.  
In fact, the last person to speak of "The Letter Incident" had Tobi assigned as his permanent-till-death-or-Pein-says-so partner.  
Though poor Deidara was thoroughly drunk at the time and can't remember broadcasting the news on international television, with some rather accurate imitations of Leader-sama's mental breakdown.

One month later, Tobi received a reply in the mail stating that he had been accepted into the ranks of the Akatsuki, as their new specialist in Torture and Interrogation.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading, this is my first ever fan fiction so I really hope you enjoyed it. If you have any criticisms, praise or flames of my work please feel free to review because I really want to know what you thought of it. Thank you!


End file.
